So I’m gonna cheat and mess with time
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Little Lani,
You are my only sibling. I wish I could write a list of things to prepare you for growing pains, but the only thing I can tell you is that life will get better and you will become a happier person. You will smile more. Because you are your mom’s only child, she is throwing all of her eggs in one basket, as Jill from Desperate Housewives of NY will say about her daughter Allison. I am sorry that your mom isn’t half as entertaining or pleasant as Jill. If your mom goes crazy and goes on hiatus and stops talking to you (which she will do in some shape or form at some point I guarantee it), call me and you can stay with me for as long as you like. But, of course, you won’t feel like I can be trusted. Sad, our lives. I hope dad has a midlife crisis soon so he’ll be more understanding.
Day 5 — Your dreams
Oh hi pilot!
I was reminded of how determined I was to become a pilot when I talked with Kaylin tonight. Sorry I abandoned you, I didn’t like Advanced Physics.
My current dreams are a little confusing. White light!
Day 6 — A stranger
Don’t quite remember why I added you Tyler Kea but you look crazy with those tats. You left the University of Minnesota? Sorry it didn’t work out for you. Minnesota couldn’t have been that bad, could it? Maybe it was.
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Oooh, Mr. Darcy. Betta get that Bachelor’s degree, you’re pushing 24 years old now. I beat you to it. Thank you for teaching me that money ain’t everything. I finally threw away your rugby last month thank god.
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Klein Feleti, let’s put this poking war to an end for once and for all, we’ve been at it since 2006. Really, 2006 you say?! Let’s have lunch.
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Caroline from Desperate Housewives of New Jersey,
Please adopt me. My Jersey accent would be purfekt by the time I get initiated into the Noath Jersey township of Secaucus. I understand you’re suffering severely from empty nester syndrome. (I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you still have all 3 kids living with you)
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Steven Jordan Justin Calvin Walter Brian Thomas please call me I miss you
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Hi Uncle Poaul,
Roger golfs every chance he can get and more because he misses you. I miss your laugh and being made fun of for my 500-lb. football head coach, Ralph Friedgen. Joey is a much better dog than Mickey, he takes care of Auntie Suzanne.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Dear Sacred Hearts,
You wouldn’t allow Ferris Bueller, not even a feminine Ferris. Cameron would’ve gotten preferential treatment over Ferris.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
I am sorry.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Hi how are you?
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Let me buy you a drink!
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Hi John and Fumi!!
I miss you both. I will come to see you soon.
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Hi Bruno Mars,
I bet you don’t remember me from play dates.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
I already am!
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Professor Mayo
I hope the University of Maryland forces you to retire very soon.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
It’s okay.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Hahaha Jason Clancy! I guessed correctly that you were of the Jewish persuasion, that you’re from New Haven, Connecticut, your parents probably had more than 5 kids, and that you were a fan of Pete Rock. I wish we could’ve talked more at a legit izakaya, but we were at the Fisheries Agency debating the whale topic for hours.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
What went wrong?
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Oh hi dear Kamalu. Your hair is longer than my ideal man. Why do you have so many tattoos? I’ll stop my judging.
That’ll do babe, that’ll do.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Thank you
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
And this too, shall pass
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Ooh Justin and Jessy!
When will I see you!?
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Thank you!
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Aerica Shimizu Banks you have forever changed my life.
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Dad, I’ve already tried.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
That’ll do babe, that’ll do